When demons awaken from their slumber...my battle with fear

As you may have noticed, I have been noticeably absent over the past few weeks. I had a stomach virus in late January in the middle of my run with Helios Early Opera which pretty much stopped my life for a day. This is the first time that I had ever had norovirus or anything like it, so I was pretty traumatized, but I was able to cope with it and deal with it.

The mortifying truth is...I am severely emetophobic, which means I am afraid of getting sick to my stomach. The last time I was sick before my virus was about 7 years ago and it was a one time incident. After that happened, I started to become emetophobic for some reason, but I was able to keep my behavior under control and my phobia a secret. I was able to cope with daily life and situations.

Then when January happened, it ramped my phobia up a thousand fold. It seemed completely irrational since the thing I had been scared so much of had happened and when I was in crisis, I was able to cope in a very calm matter. For some reason, my anxiety started to get out of control and started to control my life. I started to see myself engaging in very strange behaviors; obsessive hand-washing, not eating food that I had not prepared or that someone else had touched, not eating in public places, thinking back to my illness frequently, becoming hyper-sensitive to my own digestive processes and finally...being so anxious about a repeat of my experience that my appetite disappeared altogether. I have not legitimately felt a hunger pang in weeks and weeks. Eating has become very stressful and difficult.

Over a period of weeks, I had been eating just enough to maintain life since I simply had not been hungry. I didn't know why. I had an upper endoscopy which showed complete normalcy (aside from some mild inflammation of the stomach lining, which is apparently not uncommon), I went to my doctor many times asking what it could be that was making me feel full all the time and suppressing my appetite. I finally figured out that my phobia and my anxiety must have something to do with it. It didn't occur to me because when I was ill initially, I had dealt with it very well and actually thought it helped me get over my fear.

Over the past couple of months, I had become anorexic (which is decidedly different than someone with the condition known as anorexia nervosa which has to do with body image issues and control. Anorexia as a symptom merely means "loss of appetite". However, these both have identical effects on the body; food is restricted, weight is lost). I currently weigh 85lbs, which is 15lbs lighter than I usually like to be and it's very distressing. I am extremely uncomfortable, none of my clothes fit (hence, why I haven't been posting) and I have become very sad over it. My tailbone and hipbones are prominent and make sitting uncomfortable without pillows. The muscle tone in my calves, biceps and thighs has disappeared. Emetophobics are often misdiagnosed with eating disorders, but that is simply not the case. It has become very difficult for me to put food down as I am extremely anxious and eating usually makes me nauseous. It's extremely distressing to want to force food down, but feel terrible afterwards. I have also become very weak and a normal amount of daily activity has become tough as well.

My general practitioner, who is wonderful has been trying to help me. She hooked me up with a lovely therapist so that I can learn to deal with my anxiety and phobia so that I can return to a normal life. I have not taken any medications for it, but I may need to if I do not improve with behavioral therapy. Being anorexic for a couple of months changes your stomach and body chemistry, so eating is a challenge. I cannot stomach a normal portion of food, so I am supposed to eat smaller, more frequent meals. It has been easier, but it is harder to get the necessary amount of calories, although I am supposed to add calories gradually. I had probably been eating 400-700 per day or so (I don't really know, I am not a calorie counter), but I need to eat 2200 to gain, which is quite a jump. I am drinking those Ensure Plus drinks, which are not bad, but not great either. Sometimes, it's hard to get them down. They are a quick 350 calories for 8 ounces, but it's hard to process them when I just have no appetite or thirst. It's extremely frustrating. To make my life a little more fun, I downloaded a cute iPhone app to track my eating...

MyDietDiary - This app is FREE in the Apple App Store!

Obviously, yesterday, I fell short of my goal, but it's more than I've been eating over the past few weeks. I seem to do okay with Luna Bars, but they are only 180 calories and eating too much peanut butter makes me nauseous sometimes (although I LOVE it).

So, that is my confession and why I have not been posting at all. I wanted to come out of hiding. I do look at all the other blogs though, I can't get enough! And I DID get my Birthday Discount from Anthro this month. I will definitely buy some things there, but they will not fit until I'm back to normal. I had been very embarrassed over this, since it seemed to me that I was weak for letting an emotional issue get the best of me. I was quiet and afraid of being judged or misunderstood, but the truth is...things like this happen to people and it's nobody's fault. We all have stuff. It's about how you deal with your stuff. I want to tell my story so that maybe if someone, somewhere is also suffering with this, knows they are not alone.

I will beat this. You know why? Because Anthropologie doesn't make xxxxxs ;-)

OOTD: 1952 Skirt

Here's a quickie post! My outfit of the day: 2010's 1952 skirt (I've rolled up the waistband to make it work for a petite) and a simple bell-sleeved white blouse from The Limited (circa 2002). Look better than I feel this morning!

I'm having an endoscopy on Tuesday morning, so I'm a tad freaked out. Hopefully, this will lead to some answers as to why I have no appetite. Wish me luck!

My Project or Shameless Self-Promotion

Dress: Anthropologie Waffle Weave Dress (2010), Cardigan: Anthropologie Remaining Lilies Cardigan (2010), Boots: Anthropologie Elk Camp Wedge Boots 2010

Since I've been kind of sick, dressing is really challenging. Very few of my clothes actually fit well now. I originally put on a blouse and a cute pair of pants, but the blouse hung off me and made me look like I was playing dress up. Ugh. I find myself dressing to hide my weight loss, which is irritating. I'm hoping that the GI specialist can figure out what's going on. Thank you to all, who wished me well in my last post.

Maybe some of you have noticed, but I put some new links in my blog header. So, the secret's out: my project is Xerces Blue Ensemble. I have been working hard over the past few months to form a dedicated early music vocal ensemble. I am so lucky to have the talents of my friends James and Shannon Rose to go with me on this adventure. We are trying to fundraise for our Spring Concert Series (putting on a concert series is quite expensive, I've discovered!). You can take a listen to us and see you if you like what you hear! If you do, give us a donation! It is 100% Tax-deductible since we are a Fractured Atlas fiscally sponsored project.

 

We are trying to schedule the series in mid-May! I'm REALLY excited about this project! We have a beautiful concert programmed! If you know someone who really LOVES classical music tell them to support us! If you prefer...you can donate in the form of buying some of my pretty handmade jewelry at my new Etsy Shop. I'm not done listing all of my pieces yet...here is a sample of what's to come...

Amethyst and Citrine Earrings: $45

Enamel, Smoky Quartz and Citrine Earrings: $30

Like? I hope you do! I'll be giving away one pair to a very lucky blog reader very soon, so stay tuned for a giveaway! (Jewelery giveaways seem to be the Anthro-blog theme of the week!) 100% of the proceeds from the shop will go to the Xerces Blue Ensemble Spring Concert Campaign, so it's a feel good purchase for art!

Catching up!

Remember me!? I'm so sorry for being so behind on posting! Thanks for hanging in there, ladies! Needless to say, there's a lot to catch up on. But first...here's an outfit!

Blouse: Anthropologie Vanilla Bean Blouse 2010, Jeans: JCrew

I wore this to my friend's Madrigals and Beverages Party, which is just as nerdy as it sounds. Bunch of musicians get together, drink wine and sight-read four part Renaissance English Madrigals together. Don't judge, it was hella fun. This was pre- Helios Early Opera rehearsal process time. We put on a GREAT show in January! David et Jonathas was a success for this young opera company.

Cast photo - Photobombed by our Stage Director!!

The Boston Pheonix really liked us! I actually met Mr. Schwartz in the line last weekend to see another opera. He was super nice! I was so honored to be a part of such a neat production with a wildly talented cast. Unlike the last opera I was in, I sang A LOT. Unfortunately, the second day of Tech Week, I was stricken with norovirus. We opened 4 days later and I was okay to perform then, but I really have not been right since. Which leads me to...

...why I've been away. I've been pretty sick. Since getting sick last month, I never really recovered all the way. I lost nearly 18 pounds from my appetite being next to nothing. I was just under 110lbs to begin with, so you can imagine how thin I've gotten. So, I have not been motivated to photograph myself, understandably.  I am scheduled to see a gastroenterologist next week to hopefully get some answers, but that's a long story short. So, THAT'S why I've been away from my blog, quite frankly. I've wanted to go to Anthro and do some reviews for you, but sadly, nothing will fit appropriately right now and I'm afraid the reviews won't be very helpful. Until I get back to a healthy weight, I probably won't be posting any reviews. I may find the courage to post some OOTDs if I feel like I don't look too unhealthy.

I've been keeping up with all of you ladies in the bloggyland! Loving some of the new Anthro Dresses! Especially...

Burgeoning Hypericum Dress

OH...I die. Yes, it's the same shape Girls from Savoy tends to go for, but the pattern is...like, whoa. I need this dress in my life. This may be a rare full-price purchase. Which new arrivals are your faves this season?

Memorizing French in a Hurry (or Cramming for Singers)

I have always had a strange ability to "get it together" for a performance often the week or day before I have to be on stage. When I was in graduate school, I was totally a mess at a dress rehearsal the day before the concert. I had NOT memorized the German for the recital in which I was to sing two songs. The next day, I performed perfectly and my coach laughed at me afterwards and asked; "How do you always do that?!"

The answer is perhaps I work best under pressure, but for some reason, I'm always a a tad forgetful until the day of the performance and then I can rock it out. My goal is to stop having this happen because it completely stresses me out. I got a score for the opera I'm starting rehearsals for next week about a month ago and we were asked to be off-book by next week. Needless to say, I've been cramming my brain with music...and FRENCH.

I don't know what it is with French, but it seems to be a bit slippery. I'll remember certain words and forget others. I'll forget which words elide with each other and which consonants are silent. So, I've taken to odd memorization methods.

• Read and re-read the text in rhythm over and over again: Seems okay until you look away from the music.
• Recording myself singing the lines: This helps because I sing harmony a lot. Sometimes a little humbling. I'm flat, I'm sharp, that word was wrong, etc. On the good side, I'll usually stop making the mistake once I hear myself making it.
• Write the text on a piece of paper and stare at it: Seems to work a little since my own handwriting helps with the memorization.
• Do a dramatic reading of the text followed by a dramatic reading of the English translation: Seems to help me get to where I want to go, but makes me feel silly and should only be done in private.
•  Pray - en français

I'm pretty sure I'm driving my husband crazy singing the same music over and over again, but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel with the opera. I have a couple more scenes to study and I'll be ready to start staging. I'm very excited! It's my first french baroque opera and I'm completely stoked to be all Frenchy and do sweet frenchy trills. Charpentier is amazing and David et Jonathas is a great story.

Enjoy Patricia Petibon singing Jonathan's aria from the opera. I love, love, love Patricia Petibon. I have a huge soprano, girl-crush on her.

Gorgeous, isn't it? In the words of Rachel Zoe; "I die, OMG, I die."

Anyway, last night I was so excited to wear my new dress out on a date with my husband! We had fun and he liked my new frock (which is special, because he's very picky).

Anthropologie: Alary Dress (2011), Anthropologie Elk Camp Wedge Boots (2010?)

What are you ladies up to this weekend? I am attending a party tonight but I have to go to bed on the early side because I have to sing in the morning tomorrow. Boo!!

Happy 2012! Let's start with some Anthropologie Reviews!

Good afternoon, readers! I wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year days ago, but I didn't. But, Three Kings Day is today, so I figured it was as good a day as any!

2011 was a strange year and I'm mostly glad it's done. 2012 is going to be awesomesauce! Starting with today, because I'm going to the gym and then I'm opening up a 401K. Things that make you feel good. Yeah. I popped on over to Anthro before work yesterday to see what I had been missing. I tried on a few dresses and I thought I'd share my thoughts with you! Enjoy!

Sorted Stripes Dress Bailey 44 $178

The model shot of this dress is what intrigued me to try it on! So cute on the model with the glasses. Well, this looked HORRIBLE on me. So cute on the hanger. It was really soft like other Bailey 44 pieces and well made. It's completely stretchy and I was able to easily slide in and out of it and it fits TTS (very clingy). It just is not flattering on a short person. Sadface. Pass. Not even on sale. Back to the racks.

Aubergine Sky Dress Girls from Savoy $168

Girls From Savoy hardly ever disappoints me and this dress is no exception. I don't even really like purple, but when I saw this dress online, I had to check it out. It is a truly strapless dress (pardon my undergarment straps in the photo), but it fits TTS. It's difficult to tell from the photos, but the dress actually has a pattern on it. The gold embroidery on it is so pretty that it doesn't need a belt. Very flattering! I'll probably try to pick it up on sale!

Sweet Enticement Dress Moulinette Soeurs $118

I was so excited to try this dress on! When I saw it on the website, I was so excited that Anthro decided to introduce a cute black dress. I'm always looking for cute black dresses to wear during concerts. Plus, it's gotten rave reviews online. It's a nice, light poplin cotton (think summer) which makes me instantly think; "Lint Trap".

I wanted to love this dress, especially for the great price, but I didn't. The waistline hit me in a weird spot and I felt sort of fat in it and like a dressed up doll (not in a cute way). I really wanted to like this dress. Sadly, I didn't.

I did leave with an Alary Shirtdress on sale! I missed the 50% promotion due to lack of funds, but I was happy not to miss out on this cute piece! I tried on a bunch of other cute things on sale, but I only allowed myself one piece. I stopped by my favorite consignment shop on the way out of the mall and came across this treasure!!

Yay! A Vanilla Bean Blouse! Here's a piece I've been coveting since I started becoming an Anthro Stalker®. I actually had no idea it was Yoana Baraschi, but I'm not surprised. It was MY SIZE, and in like new condition. Mine, for the price of $50. Considering what these are going for on eBay, I got a great deal on this pretty blouse!

2012 is my year of doing! Next week, I start opera rehearsals for a kick-ass Charpentier opera that I'm really excited about and I am getting ready to begin work on my new music project (I promise I'll post about it, eventually). So what are you ladies up to in 2012?

Money in the Bank (of Lackthereof)

One of my main goals in my life, since I was about ten years old was to Be Happy. Being happy seemed really important when all of the other things in life seemed material or superficial. It seemed so simple when I was ten;

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I want to be happy."

Then I learned music. Music made me happy. So it made sense to be in music for a profession. This seemed simple enough. When I made the decision to go from a money-driven path (pre-med) to a happiness-driven path, which is music, I felt as though I had made the right choice. But in 2011, soon to be 2012, music is hardly ever the right choice. I sadly advised my high school senior voice student to not major in music. I told her to not do it unless she felt that there was nothing else in life she felt like she could do. That made me pretty sad, considering I had gotten not one, but two degrees in music.

Now, I'm happy. But I admit, this season has been a tight one for me in terms of finances. During the Christmas season, I feel like I should be exceptionally busy, since there are all kinds of Messiahs. I had not one, single, gig. It's pretty competitive around here. All of the other soprani were singing Messiah solos. As a matter of fact, I HAVE NOT sung a solo in Messiah for a few years now and there's something seriously wrong with that.

Either there is seriously wrong with my technique or I'm just doing the whole "Being a professional Singer" thing wrong, and when I open my wallet, moths fly out. It has started to put a wedge between my spouse and me and I feel really terrible about it. Arts are a hard field to make ends meet and I'm not sure I can cut it. Leaving music for good would kill me inside. I don't want to be one of those people that hates their job, but loves their paycheck.

So, I'm forced to shape up or ship (sell) out I guess. In the meantime, here's a cute outfit:

Dress: Anthro Waffle Weave Dress 2010, Cardigan: Anthro Naturally Sweet Cardigan 2010

I may be feeling particularly morose today because Opera Boston announced that they were closing. This is a shocking, sad day for the whole Boston Arts Community. It's really depressing and makes me ask questions about what we're doing as a country if one of the greatest opera companies in the city has to go dark :(