I believe that the worst part of being a professional musician is having to audition. It's like having job interviews all the time. You're nervous. You worry about what to wear. Will I remember the words? Are they going to let me finish? Will they hear everything I've prepared? Is my leg going to shake again this time?
Okay...I guess you can figure out now that auditioning is not my favorite thing. I get about 75% of my work through a recommendation or word of mouth now, but I still have to go out and do auditions. As I've gotten more experienced, I am less traumatized by this process and I now perform better, but there's one thing that hasn't gotten easier...
...waiting for a result.
A few weeks ago, I auditioned for something and I felt as though I did the best possible job I could have done. I felt really good about it for the first time I can remember. I had to do a second audition for the same gig, which I suppose I was okay with. I did well then too, although I didn't feel as strong as I did the previous time. Now, all I have to do is wait. Waiting can be really crazy-making.
If the gig means a lot to you, you imagine yourself with the gig and you get all excited. You start dreaming of outfits you would wear (if you can choose your own) and you start shopping online. You contemplate how you're going to pay for your new piece of clothing for this fabulous gig. (I admit to having picked out this and this.)
Then, you imagine someone else with the gig and you start to second guess yourself. You start to ask yourself questions that don't even apply yet! "Why didn't I get chosen? What's wrong with my voice? Is it a looks thing? Who am I competing with even? Did that girl that sang before me do better?"
The truth is you're actually competing (usually) with yourself. Learning to stop comparing your own voice to others' is one of the most difficult parts of being a singer.
It's enough to make anyone a little insane. I am still waiting. I am dangerously close to asking when I should expect a result announcement, but part of me still wants to hold on to the possibility. The fantasy that until I've gotten a rejection, I've still possibly got the gig. I guess the fantasy has to end sometime though, right?
Ha...oh, I know exactly what you've talking about. The waiting is, as they say, excruciating. That hopeful planning can be fun, but behind it is always a weird feeling of despair- it really is all about managing the monsters in your head! I find dreamy dress shopping remarkably fruitful in that respect! (I love that dramatic lace jacket!)
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