Letting Go

Every person who spends over a decade perfecting an art has a dream. Whether or not they want to admit it, every painter, every writer, every singer, every dancer and every actor would love to spend all day at their craft and be handsomely rewarded for it. If you have ever watched a talent show, such as The Voice, America's Got Talent or American Idol, you have seen the amount of talent in the world that is unrewarded. Only a select few can really put food on their table solely through the money earned through their art. This is a reality we all know at the core of our hearts, but few of us want to admit.

During the past 6 years that I've been singing professionally after having not sung at all for 7 years, I've been through a lot of transformations. There was a time when I didn't think I was worthy of getting paid for singing and that I should give it up and never open my mouth again. I started to get hired for things...little things and actual good things with great ensembles and big names. I got good reviews. Over the past 16 months, I've felt really great about the work I've done vocally. I am a professional singer and I can say with confidence, that I'm not bad. I'm actually quite good and I'm proud at what I've accomplished.

That being said, I'm all over the place. I have spread myself so thin with all of my hobbies and pursuits that I have not been able to put 100% of my effort into any one thing. I'm teaching here, I'm singing there, I'm organizing here, I'm selling there. Aside from work, there are all of those other things in life like eating, being a friend, love, living and basically trying to enjoy your life. Some people are content to be a Starving Artist. I have decided about three weeks ago, that I am not one of those people.

I want to be able to buy frivolous items, go on vacations and go out to fancy dinners more than I want to excel at my art...and that's okay.

At one point in my life, I may have looked at this crossroads as one path being failure and the other path being a valiant artist, but I really don't think that it is either of those things. There is no failure in wanting to live a certain lifestyle and making sacrifices to get there, as much as there isn't necessarily valor in eating ramen noodles every night and working 6 different jobs so that you can go on thousands of auditions. They are simply paths to be taken. There is neither shame or valor in either one.

Over the last few weeks, I have been struggling with the realization that I cannot "Live The Dream" anymore. I have been grieving as though someone close to me had passed away. I am spending a lot of time struggling financially, going to job to job and losing track of my schedule. I lead an interesting and fascinating life and it is so satisfying and amazing when someone hands me a check for singing. It's actually unbelievable to me. But it is no longer enough for me. Giving up music as a "career" is not a failure when you haven't actually failed. The failure would have been all of those years spent at my office job, passing the time, wondering if I had any talent at all. That would have been the ultimate failure.

Letting go has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. And letting go doesn't mean abandoning my art. In fact, I am more in love with music than ever. I've done great work. I am still a very hire-able soprano. I still am working to perfect my technique. I will still audition. But it is not going to be my primary career, and I'm okay with that. Letting go has made it possible for me to sing more freely. I am not critical of every single sound that leaves my throat, I'm grateful I'm able to produce it. I still have gigs to do and recitals to program, but not depending on these things for my income is freeing. To have music in my life be the sweet dessert instead of being the entree makes singing all the more delicious.

My life has been such an adventure. Here's where one chapter ends, but let's turn the page. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Beginning. My Bedroom Closet.

A lot has happened since I last posted to my blog. I'm not ashamed to say that some of things have been sad, but most of the things have been exciting! In the last 16 months, my entire life has changed. I moved to an apartment with 4 other roommates only to have to move again two months later! I started my own business and I have been singing a lot more! Needless to say, I have missed The Stylish Soprano and have decided to come back to my sweet little blog.

My business, Hub Neat Organizing is all about getting your space organized and clutter-free. I have had the luxury of living in a gorgeous 1100 sq foot condo for the last 5 years. It was so spacious and I had a place to put all of my things. My new apartment is 429 square feet...talk about downsizing! I had to sell a lot of furniture and get rid of many, many things. Moving is great for that. It forces you to pick up an item and say; "I don't even know why I have this!".

When I was first apartment hunting, I just wanted the place to be cute and pet-friendly and relatively safe. I actually took the first apartment I looked at because I had such a good feeling about it. Being that this was a fashion blog, you could guess that I have a LOT of clothes. I had a very large closet at my last place and this place had NO closet in the bedroom at all. The 105 square foot bedroom was a nice enough size for my bed and it had four very bright windows. Unfortunately, there is a light that shines into my bedroom windows and I had to purchase blackout curtains for every window in order to darken the room enough so that I could sleep. I already owned some Freestanding Elfa pieces that had previously been an entertainment center in my previous apartment. I just bought some additional pieces and rods and made a closet! Here is how it turned out!

 

 

Look at all those Anthropologie gems! I obviously do not have enough space to hang my dresses, but it was the best I could do. Who needs an actual closet when you have Elfa!? I am truly living in my own walk-in closet. Obviously, because I'm looking at it 24/7 it needs to be kept neat and orderly at all times. If I am living in a closet, it should look like the catalog shots from the Container Store Website. (Elfa is actually on sale right now if you're inspired to transform your space too!) I know this look is a little too open for some people, but I like to see my stuff. It isn't my total dream closet, but it's a pretty good substitute!

What are your closets like? Do you have your dream closet or do you hate your closet? Is it big or small? Is it messy or is it neat?

Waiting.

I believe that the worst part of being a professional musician is having to audition. It's like having job interviews all the time. You're nervous. You worry about what to wear. Will I remember the words? Are they going to let me finish? Will they hear everything I've prepared? Is my leg going to shake again this time?

Okay...I guess you can figure out now that auditioning is not my favorite thing. I get about 75% of my work through a recommendation or word of mouth now, but I still have to go out and do auditions. As I've gotten more experienced, I am less traumatized by this process and I now perform better, but there's one thing that hasn't gotten easier...

...waiting for a result.

A few weeks ago, I auditioned for something and I felt as though I did the best possible job I could have done. I felt really good about it for the first time I can remember. I had to do a second audition for the same gig, which I suppose I was okay with. I did well then too, although I didn't feel as strong as I did the previous time. Now, all I have to do is wait. Waiting can be really crazy-making.

If the gig means a lot to you, you imagine yourself with the gig and you get all excited. You start dreaming of outfits you would wear (if you can choose your own) and you start shopping online. You contemplate how you're going to pay for your new piece of clothing for this fabulous gig. (I admit to having picked out this and this.)

Then, you imagine someone else with the gig and you start to second guess yourself. You start to ask yourself questions that don't even apply yet! "Why didn't I get chosen? What's wrong with my voice? Is it a looks thing? Who am I competing with even? Did that girl that sang before me do better?"


The truth is you're actually competing (usually) with yourself. Learning to stop comparing your own voice to others' is one of the most difficult parts of being a singer.

It's enough to make anyone a little insane. I am still waiting. I am dangerously close to asking when I should expect a result announcement, but part of me still wants to hold on to the possibility. The fantasy that until I've gotten a rejection, I've still possibly got the gig. I guess the fantasy has to end sometime though, right?

I am back, baby!!!

Hey Ladies! I have been neglecting my blog while I've been recovering. I am happy to report I am doing much better these days. At my sickest, I was down to a scary 83lbs! It was the worst ever! Now, I'm back up above 90 again and I'm feeling more like myself. My tummy is still a little temperamental (not sure if it's psychosomatic or something is actually up), but I'm learning to live with it.

It seems like if you get sick and you get better, everything in your life suddenly improves! I have begun to get very busy with gigs this season. It's quite exciting! I even have two concerts on the same day, which means a day full of happy! I can't complain! So in honor of healing and gigging, I have changed up the blog template and bought a cute little domain for her. StylishSoprano.com

I'll mostly post about the same things here and there will be cute pictures of clothes too, as soon as I have something cute to photograph on. I must confess, I've been shopping significantly less and I've fallen off the bandwagon a little, but I'm back full-force now. Have an awesome day ladies!

(BTW, please check out my podcast if you haven't before! I promise you'll enjoy the week's episode with Bryson Lang! Just click play on the BlogTalkRadio sidebar widget)

OOTD: 1952 Skirt

Here's a quickie post! My outfit of the day: 2010's 1952 skirt (I've rolled up the waistband to make it work for a petite) and a simple bell-sleeved white blouse from The Limited (circa 2002). Look better than I feel this morning!

I'm having an endoscopy on Tuesday morning, so I'm a tad freaked out. Hopefully, this will lead to some answers as to why I have no appetite. Wish me luck!

Catching up!

Remember me!? I'm so sorry for being so behind on posting! Thanks for hanging in there, ladies! Needless to say, there's a lot to catch up on. But first...here's an outfit!

Blouse: Anthropologie Vanilla Bean Blouse 2010, Jeans: JCrew

I wore this to my friend's Madrigals and Beverages Party, which is just as nerdy as it sounds. Bunch of musicians get together, drink wine and sight-read four part Renaissance English Madrigals together. Don't judge, it was hella fun. This was pre- Helios Early Opera rehearsal process time. We put on a GREAT show in January! David et Jonathas was a success for this young opera company.

Cast photo - Photobombed by our Stage Director!!

The Boston Pheonix really liked us! I actually met Mr. Schwartz in the line last weekend to see another opera. He was super nice! I was so honored to be a part of such a neat production with a wildly talented cast. Unlike the last opera I was in, I sang A LOT. Unfortunately, the second day of Tech Week, I was stricken with norovirus. We opened 4 days later and I was okay to perform then, but I really have not been right since. Which leads me to...

...why I've been away. I've been pretty sick. Since getting sick last month, I never really recovered all the way. I lost nearly 18 pounds from my appetite being next to nothing. I was just under 110lbs to begin with, so you can imagine how thin I've gotten. So, I have not been motivated to photograph myself, understandably.  I am scheduled to see a gastroenterologist next week to hopefully get some answers, but that's a long story short. So, THAT'S why I've been away from my blog, quite frankly. I've wanted to go to Anthro and do some reviews for you, but sadly, nothing will fit appropriately right now and I'm afraid the reviews won't be very helpful. Until I get back to a healthy weight, I probably won't be posting any reviews. I may find the courage to post some OOTDs if I feel like I don't look too unhealthy.

I've been keeping up with all of you ladies in the bloggyland! Loving some of the new Anthro Dresses! Especially...

Burgeoning Hypericum Dress

OH...I die. Yes, it's the same shape Girls from Savoy tends to go for, but the pattern is...like, whoa. I need this dress in my life. This may be a rare full-price purchase. Which new arrivals are your faves this season?

Memorizing French in a Hurry (or Cramming for Singers)

I have always had a strange ability to "get it together" for a performance often the week or day before I have to be on stage. When I was in graduate school, I was totally a mess at a dress rehearsal the day before the concert. I had NOT memorized the German for the recital in which I was to sing two songs. The next day, I performed perfectly and my coach laughed at me afterwards and asked; "How do you always do that?!"

The answer is perhaps I work best under pressure, but for some reason, I'm always a a tad forgetful until the day of the performance and then I can rock it out. My goal is to stop having this happen because it completely stresses me out. I got a score for the opera I'm starting rehearsals for next week about a month ago and we were asked to be off-book by next week. Needless to say, I've been cramming my brain with music...and FRENCH.

I don't know what it is with French, but it seems to be a bit slippery. I'll remember certain words and forget others. I'll forget which words elide with each other and which consonants are silent. So, I've taken to odd memorization methods.

• Read and re-read the text in rhythm over and over again: Seems okay until you look away from the music.
• Recording myself singing the lines: This helps because I sing harmony a lot. Sometimes a little humbling. I'm flat, I'm sharp, that word was wrong, etc. On the good side, I'll usually stop making the mistake once I hear myself making it.
• Write the text on a piece of paper and stare at it: Seems to work a little since my own handwriting helps with the memorization.
• Do a dramatic reading of the text followed by a dramatic reading of the English translation: Seems to help me get to where I want to go, but makes me feel silly and should only be done in private.
•  Pray - en français

I'm pretty sure I'm driving my husband crazy singing the same music over and over again, but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel with the opera. I have a couple more scenes to study and I'll be ready to start staging. I'm very excited! It's my first french baroque opera and I'm completely stoked to be all Frenchy and do sweet frenchy trills. Charpentier is amazing and David et Jonathas is a great story.

Enjoy Patricia Petibon singing Jonathan's aria from the opera. I love, love, love Patricia Petibon. I have a huge soprano, girl-crush on her.

Gorgeous, isn't it? In the words of Rachel Zoe; "I die, OMG, I die."

Anyway, last night I was so excited to wear my new dress.

Anthropologie: Alary Dress (2011), Anthropologie Elk Camp Wedge Boots (2010?)

What are you ladies up to this weekend? I am attending a party tonight but I have to go to bed on the early side because I have to sing in the morning tomorrow. Boo!!